Five Years Later...

On A Saturday night in September 2007, Amanda and I became emerged into one of  the happiest moments of our lives. We were having a baby. I remember it like it was yesterday and we sat in our hotel room in St Louis, there because of a missions conference. I still remember us sitting there with tears running down our faces... A few short months later our lives would be forever changed, as we faced the saddest moment of our lives. It is hard to believe that it has been five years on Friday since our beloved Ava came into this world only to leave for a greater place. Five years which at times has felt like yesterday and other times it has felt like an eternity ago. During the early weeks of losing Ava, there were moments that we didn't feel we would make it through another week let alone five years. Yet, God has show His grace to us and through the valleys and the hilltops He has been there. He has taught us a great deal the last five years, and has brought a great deal of growth into our lives. As much as I miss our sweet Ava I would not change anything, because of our precious Jackson being brought into our family through Ava's death. Every time I look into his sparkling blue eyes I am reminded of his big sister who God used to allow him to be our son. God's plans are indeed a mystery at times, but His ways are truly best. It is not always easy in the here and now, but it is best.

As we celebrate Ava's 5th birthday I am grateful for a God who has shown his faithfulness to us even when we lacked faith. I am grateful for a precious 3 1/2 year old who I believe God is going to use greater than we can ever dream of. And I am grateful to share my life with a wife who God has grown so much in the last five years. Very few women have faced the heartache of loosing a child and the emotional journey of going through an adoption, and she has done so with grace. I am very proud of her.

As we think of Ava, I leave with a letter that I wrote to her on her 1st birthday. Each year in my journal I write a letter to her and while I am fully aware that there is very little Biblical foundation for this, I still write it just for my own personal joy. I look back on each letter and see and remember everything about Ava and everything God has done to bring us to where we are now.

January 25, 2009

Dearest Ava,

Today is your first birthday and your mom and I miss you very much. I know that you do not want us to be sad but it is really hard with you not here. How was your birthday in Heaven? I am sure that is was very special and could not even be described. We are doing well I suppose. Some days are harder than others but the Lord’s grace gets us through. I really don’t know what happens up in Heaven yet  I am so excited for you to tell me. Have you got to see your great grandparents yet? I sure hope so. Your grandma says that she hopes your great grandma Norfleet is taking care of you. I hope so to because she is a special lady. Your great Uncle Dale just went to be with you last week, and I hope you have had the chance to meet him, because he is a wonderful man. Anyway, I don’t want to ramble on and on but there is so much to tell you. I know that you would not want to leave but we miss you so much here on earth. But I am glad you don’t have to worry about this old place. Heaven is so much sweeter! When your mom and I cry it is because we miss you, not because of anything you did. We love you so much and am so proud of you! You’re the best daughter a dad could ask for. Well, that is it for now I suppose. We love you very much and look forward to seeing you real soon. Please give your great grandma a kiss for me.

Love always,

Your daddy